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Johnnie's Cafe Archives |
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, over 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Ds.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Four retired guys are walking down a street in downtown Buffalo, looking for a good place to have a drink.Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other then go in.
On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.' The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis shaken not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, ..."That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the New York lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those guys are from Cheektowaga. The cheap bastards are waiting for happy hour."