Recently in Humor Category

Here's a video I'd recommend you share with any friends and co-workers who rely on automatic spelling and grammar checkers to catch all the errors in their documents.

Thanks to Melissa's friend, Eric, for sharing the link.

Found this online, just had to share...

I'm a regular follower of Mur Lafferty's I Should Be Writing blog and podcast. Recently she posted this YouTube video from the Digital Marketing team at MacMillan Publishing. Based on my years of professional experience, I can attest that it accurately captures the entire process for how books are made. Enjoy!

As the video states, non-fiction books take far less time to produce than fiction, often because we are only allowed a few weeks to write them (versus decades) and also because we only have time and the staff to copyedit one out of every 18 books, rather than each book 18 times.

I just heard that the 80s classic movie Heathers is being made into a musical. I'm not much for musical theater, the last show we saw being Spamalot! a few years ago, but I have to say that if this show comes to Boston and is getting halfway decent reviews, then I'm going!

Here's some of my favorite lines from that movie that I hope make it into the lyrics (warning: adult language):

• "Grow up Heather, bulimia's so '87."
• "This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress."
• "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"
• "I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience."
• "Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count."
• "Well, f*ck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?"
• "Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free."

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

Thanks to my Aunt Mary for sharing this one.

This past week I could not believe my ears when I heard a story on NPR about how PETA is trying to rebrand fish as "Sea Kittens." I laughed so hard that I almost drove off the road. Then I realized as the story continued, that these people are serious. From the NPR web site:

"PETA thought that by renaming fish sea kittens, compassionate people who would never dream of hurting a dog or a cat might extend that sympathy to fish, or sea kittens," PETA campaign coordinator Ashley Byrne says.

Growing up, I went fishing on a regular basis with my Dad and brother. I don't think I ever felt much sympathy for the fish because we ate nearly everything we caught and I thought it was far more humane (and less work) to eat a dead fish than a live one. Honestly, if anyone deserved sympathy during our fishing trips, it was my Dad. My brother and I were typical kids, and by that I mean we weren't very good at sitting still for long periods let alone the extended spans we often spent staring at the surface of a lake hoping that a fish would bite at the gnarled worm we had haplessly impaled on a hook. Dad showed tremendous patience with us as demonstrated by not only our staying out for several hours, but by the fact that he took us with him time and again. I thought fishing was fun also because we got to spend leisure time with him that didn't involve tearing down a wall or putting up drywall. The Peta spokesperson apparently has a different view on what Dad was doing with us:

"Most parents would never dream of spending a weekend torturing kittens for fun with their families, but hooking a sea kitten through the mouth and dragging her through the water is the same as hooking a kitten through the mouth and dragging her behind your car," Byrne says.

Granted there were times when we caught fish that were considered too small to be legal. In those cases we carefully removed from the hook and returned to the water, alive and able to swim away. I don't recall that any of these fish were mangled or mortally wounded, at least not with anything more severe than the minor cuts I suffered from the occasional fish hook which I somehow managed to get caught in my hand, which my Dad promptly removed.

In classic journalistic style, the NPR reporter sought the public's reaction to the campaign. In a move that I would have expected from The Onion or The Daily Show, the reporter went to what one might consider a hostile environment: members of a fourth-generation commercial fishing family in Alaska. The comments were about what you might expect. My favorite quote was from a 12-year old girl, with whom I couldn't agree more:

"I don't see fish as sea kittens; I see them as food."

After hearing this story, I took a few minutes to visit the peta.org web site and to look over their materials. While there I skimmed it and didn't find anything that changed my opinion about the rebranding. I took a minute and made a sea kitten avatar (see right) and in the process began to think about the incredible amount of money this organization must have spent on this absurd campaign. I've never given money to Peta, and honestly, after looking at how they spend donations, I will not do so in the future. If you care to read about the campaign for yourself, or create your own sea kitten avatar, visit the site at peta.org

And I thought the wheel on an iPod was annoying...

Thanks to Reneé for passing this one along.

Here's an image I found recently that I thought people might get a kick out of: A parody I created of a Spin magazine cover which features my musical alter ego, DJ Snarky.

If I'm not mistaken, I created this in the late Spring/early Summer of 2003, right about the time I quit my job and was contemplating a move to Barcelona.

I recently discovered an interesting site called Medium Large. Its author is cartoonist, Francesco Marciuliano, who is more widely known for the syndicated, but relatively sedate strip, Sally Forth.

I think one of the more interesting series on this site is called Teenage Girl President. Marciuliano describes it as answering the question, "What if My So Called Life had nuclear strike capabilities?"

If you grew up reading Peanuts in the comics as a kid like I did, then you'll also get a hearty, but sick laugh out of Marciuliano's tribute to Charles Schulz in his Peanuts Gallery.

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

A priest was driving back to his parish and saw a nun from his offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After regaining control of his car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest reluctantly removed his hand.

The following series of posts are "management lessons" that my father forwarded me this week. I think they are worthy of sharing here:

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

I was surfing YouTube the other day and found this amusing video:

I think this parody posted on YouTube.com accurately captures the more absurd aspects of both the Facebook and eHarmony web sites:

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A Montana cowboy was watching his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NAS satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could not understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

I was surfing through YouTube again and found this amusing series of videos that teach you various PhotoShop skills in an entertaining way. They're called "You Suck at PhotoShop." Here's the first lesson:

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster?"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

1. Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

6. Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe, and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Yes, I know I'm going to hell. Foregone conclusion, so I might as well laugh loud and hard while I'm on the trip.

Thanks to my friend Becca for sharing this one.

I heard a news story on NPR last night discussing the likelihood of Cardinal Ratzinger of becoming the next Pope. The reporter described the Cardinal as being one of the most conservative theologians of the last century. The reporter relayed this joke:

Cardinal Ratzinger and two theologians die and go to the gates of Heaven. The first theologian goes in to talk to God. A few minutes later he comes out crying with his head in his hands saying, "How could I have been so wrong?!"

In honor of this nuisance-of-a-Hallmark holiday I thought it would be appropriate to share some humor on the subject of love, marriage, and relationships. Here's a few of my favorite cartoons:

Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia ---
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Great cartoon forwarded by one of my Indian co-workers:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

Here's some friendly holiday eating tips from my friend Becca:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like in single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

(Thanks to Becca for sharing this one)

deer santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

• Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
• Be thankful your computer isn't down!
• Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
• Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
• Be thankful your server isn't down!
• Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
• Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
• Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
• Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
• Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!
• Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

A television network is developing a Texas hybrid of "Survivor" meets
"The Amazing Race":

Contestants must travel from Amarillo, Texas, through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock driving a Volvo with two bumper stickers, one that "I'm for Kerry" and another saying "I'm Queer and I'm Here to Take Your Guns."

The first to complete the round trip is the winner!

My friend Stephanie just forwarded this to me, thought I'd share it:

The Patriots are like the new boyfriend that you really like--he's awesome but almost too good to be true, so you worry.

The Bruins are like the guy that you just casually dated and you don't really care about him, he's just something to do.

The Celtics are like the marriage that was great at one time but has lost its spark and you always kinda look back and think about how great it was.

And the Red Sox are the hard core abusive husband who just absolutely beats the daylights out of you, but day after day you always go back to him cause you always believe that tomorrow will be different and you just love him too much.

Go Red Sox!

DISCLAIMER: Apologies in advance to anyone who is offended by the spousal abuse analogy, I didn't write this but still think there's humor in the comparison. I don't however believe there's anything remotely funny about spousal abuse.

My friend Becca sent this image with the comment that she'd like to give this item as a holiday present to someone she despises. I think this item would work well in training men not to leave the seat up or to teach children to change the toilet paper when it runs out.

Here's a little bit of writer humor passed on to me by my friend, LeAnn:

A phrase in "Engineeringese":

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

The same phrase in simple English (likely rewritten by a trained technical writer):

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Carlo went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

Once again, The Washington Post published its annual contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

My Dad sent me these, so you can blame him (for these and my sense of humor):

A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

• Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. That is something up with which you should not put.
• And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
• It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
• Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
• Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
• Be more or less specific.
• Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
• Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
• No sentence fragments.
• Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
• Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
• Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

My friend Brian sent me this in honor of St. Patrick's Day this week:

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

I think this January 28th cartoon by Cam Cardow of The Ottawa Citizen captures my feeling about the current cold weather trend that's been gripping New England:

I found Cam's work in the BRRRRRRRRR! It's COLD Outside! collection on Daryl Cagle's Professional Cartoonist Index.

This amusing and somewhat disturbing image was provided by my friend Becca:

Here's a great joke from my friend, Becca:

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

My friend John sent this to me this weekend. After reading it I couldn't help but think of all the times while traveling abroad over the last few weeks that people asked about my hometown and what made it unique from other American cities. Somehow, until reading this, I never considered driving as one of those factors. Check out this list, think of how it compares to your hometown, and ask yourself, "If I were visiting from a foreign country and someone gave me this list, would I want to drive here?" Here's the list, read it and tell me what you think:

At a four way stop sign, wave to offer the right-of-way to other cars. If you are waved at, wave back so they can take the right-of-way instead. When they go, you go at the same time.

Left-hand turns at traffic signals are to be made as soon as the signal turns from yellow to red. Up to three cars may turn on a "Buffalo left."

Here's the results of an interesting survey of medical studies related to the diets of other countries and their corresponding rates of heart attacks. I think it's got an interesting conclusion:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

For our last teaching practice class one of the teachers was planning a lesson for the upper intermediate students about telling jokes. The joke she was going to use was a tad on the questionable side because it had a scatalogical reference. J?em offered a quick edit to make it suitable for the class and she was all set.

Listening to the joke prompted the other members of the TP group to share their favorite jokes and then make a judgement on their appropriacy for class use. My jokes were just gross and wholey inappropriate. The best of the jokes, while still not appropriate but very funny in my humble opinion, came from someone who wishes to remain anonymous:

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got a head of lettuce stuck up my bum!"

The doctor says, "Drop your pants and let me have a look."

In the process of purging, er packing my apartment for my big trip, I found this pair of Dilbert cartoons. While I'm in Spain over the next few months I'll miss having the hourly/daily access to the Internet. Hopefully, when I get on my feet in my new living environment I won't rebound to the same level of geekiness that Dilbert's Mom does in this cartoon, or be dumb enough to invoke the wrath of the illustrious Mr. Bill:

My cousin's husband, Bill, send me this. I don't know if it's true, but it's pretty funny.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

I was watching Bill Maher on HBO tonight and he had some good bits in his monologue commenting on Madonna's kissing both Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera during their performance on the MTV Video Awards last week:

"When Christina Aguilera attended the post-show celebrations she said that she had to go down on Old Dirty Bastard just to get the taste out of her mouth. No offense to ODB."

Here's a set of redneck jokes I just got from my cousin's husband:

An Alabama redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow.
She can't touch it until she's 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more.
They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore, so what the hell?"

- Jay Leno

Scary, but apparently true.

Recently I read an article that stated: "The best way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you have started."

With that in mind, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a cherry pie, a nearly full bottle of Bushmills Irish Whisky, a medium-sized box of Godiva Chocolates, and I slapped the shit out of someone I have never liked. I feel better than I have for a long time.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers was on the door of the crypt where the casket waited to be rolled inside. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was slid inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter...

This is a joke my friend John told me while I was visiting him in Pittsburgh this weekend:

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that is true."

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and the new CEO wants to let them know he means business! He walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

As you may know, I grew up and went to undergrad in Buffalo, NY. For those of you who don't know much about Buffalo, I thought I would share a little insight with you on the personalities and attitudes associated with different areas in and near Buffalo through the following series of light bulb jokes:

Q: How many West Siders does it take to screw
in a light bulb?

A: I dunno, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss' secretary's sister's next door neighbor's priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights of Columbus Sergeant-at-Arms' nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.

NOTE: I grew up on the West Side!

Q: How many UB students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 25,000 - twenty to write the grant proposal requesting funds to study the effect of earthquakes on light bulbs, one to screw in the bulb, and 24,979 to whine about how Buffalo light bulbs suck compared to the ones on Long Island.

Today I decided to do some research to see what the top stories in Spain are. Along the way I discovered a tongue-in-cheek list of useful Spanish phrases for David Beckham following his ?25m trade to the Real Madrid:

?Se me ve gordo el culo en este sarong?
Does my bum look big in this sarong?

?D?nde puto se puede comprar Gucci en esta maldita ciudad?
Where the hell can I buy Gucci in this wretched city?

No pasa nada, el jefe me tir? una bota en la cara nada m?s.
It's nothing - the boss just threw a boot in my face, that's all.

Check out the rest of the phrases from Sean Clark's June 11, 2003 article on the Guardian website.

David Beckham is a British football (Americans read "soccer") player who was recently traded by Manchester United to the Real Madrid.

This is a joke I received from my Dad back in February. I think it accurately portrays the evils and failures of managed health care:

A doctor, a nurse, and an HMO manager were at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. The doctor said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped kids overcome deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The nurse said, "I was a hospice nurse. I helped make people comfortable as the end approached." St. Peter said, "You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The HMO manager said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the HMO manager started forward, St. Peter added, "But you are limited to a three-day stay. After that, you can go to hell."